Ferris Bueller, Cameron Frye and Losing My Best Friend

What some wise words from Ferris Bueller taught me about living life after loss

Credit: Paramount Pictures/EW

“Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop to look around once in a while, you could miss it.”

Ferris Bueller was a poet laureate, in the ‘80s pop culture sense anyway, so who better to reference when it comes to a post about remembrance and a friendship built on unconditional love.

17 years ago today on January 11th, 2008, I lost my best friend. He passed in his sleep at the age of 38. That’s 6,205 days ago and I’ve thought about him on each of them. His name was Dexter Ashford and he had the greatest smile the world has ever seen.

So now you might be wondering how Ferris Bueller ties into all of this. I’d be wondering too but I also believe that everything in life can be connected to an aspect of ‘80s pop culture.

And since Ferris’s words play an important part in this story, let’s first go back in time to 1986 via our DeLorean or time-traveling phone booth a la Bill and Ted.

June 1986

It was June of 1986. Mr. Mister, Journey, George Michael, and Billy Ocean were dominating the Top 40 music charts. Top Gun and The Karate Kid Part 2 with Ralph Macchio were at the top of the movie box office. And The New York Times bestseller list announced the arrival of a 2nd novel in a series that would come to spawn a mega multi-media franchise: The Bourne Supremacy.

But the biggest impact of 80s pop culture would be felt on June 11th, 1986, when Ferris Bueller’s Day Off debuted in theaters.

Credit: Paramount Pictures

A Simple Premise

John Hughes (get used to reading that name here on Raised on The ‘80s), who wrote and directed it had a knack for nailing the complexities of high school and what it took to navigate the hallways of our youth. The premise was simple: The class clown is determined to take the day off from school with his girlfriend Sloan and best friend Cameron, and in the process, teach the ultra-anxious Cameron how to live in the moment. As Ferris puts it:

“If anybody needs a day off, it’s Cameron. He’s got a lotta things to sort out before he graduates. He can’t be wound up this tight and go to college. His roommate will kill him.”

Ferris, played brilliantly by Matthew Broderick, begins his day by convincing his parents that he is too sick to go to school. “They bought it. Incredible! One of the worst performances of my career, and they never doubted it for a second,” he says gleefully. As he looks out of his window at the perfectly blue sky, Ferris continues, “How could I possibly be expected to handle school on a day like this?”

Sound familiar? You know you’ve done it as well. The difference is that Ferris got away with it—nine times, in fact. Of course, while Principal Rooney is pulling up Ferris’ attendance records, the teen hacks in and changes his total absences from nine to two, prompting him to then say, “I asked for a car, I got a computer. How’s that for being born under a bad sign?”

After both of his parents and the school are informed of his “illness,” Ferris provides us with some details of his pre-planned day off via monologue. It is at this point that he gives a pearl of wisdom that is the basis for this story:

Take That Day Off

Pretty prophetic words if you ask me. And particularly because at the ripe old age of 54, I feel how fast it is moving. When I was a kid a summer day felt like it lasted an entire year. Now at beyond a half a century young, an entire year feels as if it moves at the speed of just one summer day. Fast and without forgiveness for time or moments missed.

Embrace it. Take a day off work not because of a planned vacation or because you have a life event that needs attention. Take a day off to do something you’ve never done before. Do something fun. Do something crazy. Do something fun and crazy.

Ferris managed to sing in a parade; impersonate Abe Froman, “the Sausage King of Chicago” to sneak his friends into an elite restaurant; and convince Cameron to let the trio borrow his dad’s 1961 Ferrari 250GT California as their transportation for their day off.

When you do decide to take that day off, remember what Ferris said when he was asked, “What are we going to do?”Ferris replied, “The question isn’t ‘What are we going to do?’ The question is ‘What aren’t we going to do?

And perhaps most importantly, don’t miss the events that matter with the people who matter. Those are the moments that matter most. A little of my Dr. Seuss for you there.

My Man Dex

“Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop to look around once in a while, you could miss it.” I always felt like that was my mantra, and I’ve striven to embrace it as my philosophy for life.

The problem was, for a long time, I didn’t actually embrace it at all. That is until a phone call on a Saturday morning at 9:03am on January 11th, 2008.

I had moved to Florida years before and Dex was still in Baltimore where we grew up. We saw each other every time I went home for the holidays or just to visit family and we talked on the phone often so it wasn’t unusual to get a call from him at any time on any day of the week.

But this time was different. When I saw his name and number come up on the phone it felt different. I felt dread and immediately had a pit in my stomach. I answered:

”What happened?”, I said.

The voice of Dexter’s fiancee was on the other end. “Chris? How did you know it wasn’t Dexter?”

“Yes it’s me. I just knew. I don’t know how. What happened to Dexter?”

There was silence on the other end. It was probably just two or three seconds but it felt much, much longer.

“Dexter passed away last night,” she said.

When I hung up the phone, I didn’t cry. I wailed. And then wailed some more. My best friend was gone forever. He was just 38 years old.

Dex left us 17 years ago today.

He had the best smile as you can see below. Always smiling. I think about all of the smiles he would provided to friends and strangers alike over the past 17 years. So many smiles missed.

But then I think about all of the smiles he delivered over 38 years and the difference that he made in so many lives without even knowing it.

My Mom passed on July 5th, 2021. My Mom and Dexter were very close. I’m convinced that they were friends in another life.

This story of when I was home a few months before she passed is worth repeating:

My Mom was dying from Alzheimer’s and Dementia so when I was home in April and May of 2021 (just a few months before she passed) she spent about 90% of the time sleeping with very small windows of coherency. During one of those windows, she was really struggling with her situation and talked about how awful this whole thing is. She was incredibly depressed. I took the opportunity to start a conversation about Dexter and suddenly she lit up - her eyes had a spark, she grabbed my hand tight and she smiled for the first time in quite a while.

"Oh Dexter. He was such a good person," she said. "And his smile. He had the best smile. We all miss Dex don't we. He was such a great friend to you." Even in her darkest moments, hearing Dexter's name made her smile.

How many people can evoke that type of response by just mentioning their name? To me, that is his legacy. The positive and loving impact that he made on everyone in his life. That was likely one of my Mom’s last good moments and it was because of the memory she had of Dexter.

I miss my friend every single day. Not a day goes by that I don't have a thought about him. I wish I would have had more days with him.

As I say each year on his birthday and his death day - in honor of Dex, please smile at someone today. Just a random, happy smile to let them know that they matter. It could be someone you know or someone you don't. Everyone was Dexter's friend - whether he knew them or not - and I know his smile made a difference to so many people.

My man Dex. Today, like I’ve done on this day each year since you passed, I'll watch our favorite movie - Hollywood Shuffle - in your honor.

Credit: Conquering Unicorn Productions

If you are fortunate enough to have your best friends alive and well, heed the words of the poet laureate Ferris Bueller when he said, “Life moves pretty fast. If you don’t stop to look around once in a while, you could miss it.” Don’t miss a moment with the friends that mean the very most to you.